sunforgrace:

it’s like I DO want to be feminine in the way a man is feminine. if I’m performing feminity I don’t want it to be read as an inherent reflection of my gender and who I am. I don’t want someone to call me ma’am or be called a girl. like. it’s drag. only it can’t be drag for me, because it’s not actually subverting anything, is it? so I’m in this spot where I either cannot allow myself any femininity or I do and accept the consequences of perception. my wearing eyeliner isn’t a subversion, a quiet rebellion, it’s perceived as fulfilling an expectation. somehow I can never be masc enough to be percieved as I want to be, so any introduction of femininity feels like a defeat. and yet sometimes I want to wear the pretty things that are still in my closet! or play around with makeup. but it isn’t a young boy getting into his mother’s vanity and heels, it’s growing up into the fulfillment of the wants of the mother and the rest of society as a blank whole.